Editor's Note: This is an April Fool's Day satire. Real names and surrounding events may be used in a fictitious or semi-fictional manner. People who don't read editor's notes can be offended.
Bondi Beach Bar & Grill is one of Fort Collins' most hated watering holes, but owner Moe Hitto has installed a real beach in Old Town Square to give patrons an authentic beach bar experience By doing so, we hope to change that situation.
Bondi has a press needleFrom toilet stalls with no locks to watery, overpriced drinks, problems abound, leading bar patrons to choose other establishments and ultimately reducing bar traffic and revenue. be connected.
“I'm planning on going to Bondi, but it's a last resort,” said CSU student Day Keely. “I only go to Rec Room and Lucky Joe when the lines are too long. The dance floor is too small, so I get squeezed in. The music is too loud and I can't have a conversation, so one time I went to the water cooler without telling anyone. I put Panera Charge Lemonade in it.”
In response to Bondi's bad reputation as the worst bar in Fort Collins, Hito I finally decided to addStart with a faux tropical theme and solve these problems in hopes of reigniting your bar's popularity.
“Bondi may be a little troublesome, but she's our trouble,” Hitto said. “If students can fully immerse themselves in the atmosphere we are trying to curate, then they won't care if we fill our alcohol bottles half full or if we haven't mopped the floor since 2021. think.”
After overwhelming approval from the City of Fort Collins, fully funded by Larimer County taxpayers, construction on the beach began immediately. As the opening date approaches, reviews from the community are mixed.
“Aside from the fact that this is a really bad idea in general, I really don't think this is Bondi's biggest problem,” said Juan Police Sheriff Margot Rita. “Maybe we should start with a little more seating so people aren’t kicked out to make room.”
The news has been well received by other members of the community, with tents already lining up as fans camp out for the opening day.
“I've been saying for years that this is what Bondi needs,” said Bondi's staunch defender Mann Hattan. “Sure, other places might have toilet paper in the bathroom and a drug-free bartender behind the counter, but who cares? A real beach. There is no other place that has it.”
The 30-by-40-foot beach became fully operational on April 1, complete with more than 60,000 pounds of sand, 9,000 gallons of salt water, and a 4-foot-long great white shark all the way from Bondi Beach in Sydney, Australia. To do. The place where the bar got its name.
“The shark is fine,” CSU wildlife expert Wes Key said. “I don't see anything wrong with that and I totally think the beach should remain.” I wish they could do something about it.”
In response, Hitoshi plans to hold a drawing in which one lucky patron will be given the name of a great white shark that lives full-time in front of the bar.
Contact Brandy Alexander at entertainment@collegian.com or on Twitter. @sophie_masia.
