I reactivated my online dating profile a few months ago.
I was excited about my unlikely first date with a child psychiatrist. At 36, he was a year younger than me. We exchanged a few flirtatious text messages, and judging by his photos, he was exactly my type: tall, healthy, and handsome, with that bald, bearded look that captivated me.
Before meeting for coffee, I checked his profile again to see what we could talk about. I saw that he practices tai chi every day. (Nice one. I'm in the middle of a 30-day Bikram yoga challenge.) He likes books on spiritual and healing practices. (Another stroke of luck. I'm reading a book on mindfulness and depression.) But there was something I hadn't noticed until then: he listed his salary as between $250,000 and $500,000. (Oops. I'm a freelance writer and editor, and my salary is… well, not even close to that.)
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I was disappointed. There are women who only date men who make six figures, but I'm not one of those women. In fact, my mom scolds me for dating modest men. And, to be honest, when I meet men who make six figures, I think, “Oh, that's out of my reach.”
Suddenly, I became obsessed with the fact that this man was making more money than me.
To tell or not to tell
Shocked by the salaries of psychiatrists, I began to think: Should I post my income online? Would posting a certain number make me more or less attractive? Would it be better to avoid the issue and wait until the relationship is more developed to discuss it?
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Personally, I didn't think I was trying to hide anything when I left the salary category blank on my profile, but when I saw the numbers on my dates, I felt embarrassed about how much I make (about $60,000 a year) and was glad I didn't disclose it.
Gina Stewart, an online dating coach at ExpertOnlineDating.com, says my salary embarrassment is unfounded. “Most men don't seem to care about a woman's salary as much as women care about a man's salary,” Stewart says. “Men just want a woman who's productive at something. I've never met a man who would hold back from dating a woman because she makes too much or too little.”
But statistics suggest this isn't the case. According to a study by dating site AYI.com, women who report an annual income of $150,000 or more are most likely to be contacted by men. Similarly, men who report an annual income of $150,000 or more are most likely to be contacted by women. (Statistics on same-sex online dating interactions are hard to come by.)
For some, filtering out matches based on income means being practical, not just cosmetic.
Alix Abbamonte is a 33-year-old freelance public relations professional living in New York. Over the past few years, she's created several online profiles, including OkCupid, Tinder, Match, and eHarmony, but none of them disclose her (fluctuating) income. Still, she always checks a potential partner's salary and uses that information to decide whether to date him or not. “If I read that a guy only makes $60,000, I lose interest,” she says. What about less than $50,000? “Hardly.”
Abbamonte, on the other hand, says she usually doesn't believe men when they say they make more than $200,000 because there's no way to verify that people are accurately estimating their income. In fact, a 2010 OKCupid report found that 20 percent of users said they made more than they actually did, possibly to make themselves appear more attractive.
So what are the implications if you express that you don't want to disclose your salary, or leave that section blank like I did?
Salary secret: “I don't want to tell you.”
According to the AYI study, 82 percent of online daters never answer questions about income, and of those who do, 40 percent say “prefer not to answer” instead of selecting an income bracket from $0 to $150,000+. Interestingly, the study also found that people who select “prefer not to answer” on their online dating profiles are perceived as low-income earners; they have the same contact rates as men earning less than $20,000 and women earning less than $60,000.
It's no surprise that Michelle Frankel, founder of NYCity Matchmaking, won't let clients skip over the salary question when she helps them create their profiles.
“I think it's absolutely important to be transparent,” said Frankel, 43. “We all have preferences and biases about blondes and brunettes, and it's the same with money.”
Frankel is in the business of helping people find love online (and offline), a job inspired by her own experience: She and her husband, 42, met on JDate in 2011. Both Frankel and her husband had publicly disclosed their incomes on their profiles (they each made more than $150,000), and she says those numbers were “definitely” what got them together. But the couple is in the minority, as more than 80 percent of JDate users leave their incomes blank or opt for a “tell me later” option.
Van Wallach, 56, a senior proposal writer for a large professional services firm, was a member of JDate and Match.com before he began dating a woman he met on JDate in 2008. He initially listed his income as between $75,000 and $100,000, though he eventually decided to use the “I'll let you know later” option.
“if [income is] “We'll give you the information up front about what's important to you so you can make a decision right away,” he says.
Wallach says she “never considered” a potential spouse's income, unless it turned out they made more than she did: “It was a sign that they might be looking for a lifestyle or relationship that was simply out of my reach, given the divorce debt and child support I would have to pay.”
JDate user Jan Falkinstein, a 31-year-old lawyer from Northridge, California, said she doesn't want to be judged by the number on her pay stub.
“When I first started online dating, I was a student,” he says. “I went to college, then law school, and was working part time and making less than $20,000. Most women probably wouldn't want that.” But a few years later, Falkinstein is making $85,000 and still doesn't list his income. “I said I was a lawyer on my profile page, and that was enough,” he says.
What's your number? Why don't some of us go there?
There are a few reasons why I don't list my salary on my profile. I rarely look at how much the people I date make. It's not that I'm shy about money — anyone can Google my name and see that I've written about debt before — but the reality is that I'm a freelance writer and editor, so my salary fluctuates and I don't know how much I make from year to year until tax time.
More importantly, I'm a casual online dater. Of course, it would be great to meet the right person, but I'd also love to find someone to join me for happy hour. I believe money conversations should only be held with people who are in or looking for a serious relationship.
Amanda Klayman, a New York City-based financial therapist, shares my sentiments. She doesn't think you should list your income on a dating profile. “It just seems like such private information to share with strangers,” she says. When it comes to the topic of money, it's better to wait until you know each other better and it feels natural or appropriate to bring up the topic.
But how much does one number really tell us?
Looking beyond the numbers
“Someone's salary is the least of their money problems,” says Richard Koehler, a financial advisor in Rapid City, South Dakota. “What's the point in knowing how much someone makes? It doesn't tell you anything about their lifestyle or net worth. Some people make a lot of money, but they spend it all.”
Perhaps that's why some people who publicly disclose their salaries online aren't quick to reject potential partners because of their income. When Krystle Evans, 31, and Marcus Harvey, 33, met on OkCupid in 2012, they had to learn to look beyond just the size of each other's salaries.
Both had publicly listed their incomes online; she made around $100,000 a year, and he was in his mid-30s. Harvey was initially nervous about dating someone who made significantly more than him, but he decided to give it a try anyway and contacted her. “Her profile said she was active in her church and community, so I knew she was someone who valued substance over money.”
Indeed, money was an issue early in their relationship: Evans paid for most of their dates, but she told Harvey she didn't plan on doing so in the future. After explaining that his income was unstable (he's an actor and an art teacher), Harvey stepped up his game, planning activities through sites like Groupon and LivingSocial.
A year and a half later, they were engaged.
Was my date with the psychiatrist the one? I don't think so. He was handsome and a nice enough guy, but our conversations were often more awkward than I would have liked. Maybe I was feeling insecure about my salary and wasn't my usual charming self. Or maybe we just weren't compatible. But I don't think there will be a second date. One thing I do know is that my mom would say something if she heard I dated a millionaire.
This story originally appeared on LearnVest. LearnVest is the program for your money. Read the story and get the tools at LearnVest.com.
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